A Dozen Car Jokes and Funny Stories
1) Instant Karma
Njoro was driving down the road and a met a car coming the other way. Although there was room to pass easily, Njoro forced the oncoming car to slow down and wound down his window and shouted 'Ng'ombe!'. The other driver looked in his rear view mirror and swore at Njoro. Then his car hit the cow.
Onyi's wife borrowed his BMW and parked in the supermarket car park. Just as she came out laden with shopping, she saw a thug break into the car, hot wire it and drive off. Naturally she reported the matter to the police.' Uliona agikaa namna gani?, the Afande asked. 'I don't know she replied, but I managed to get the number plate'.
3) Eyes on the Rod
A traffic cop pulled alongside a speeding car on the Thika superhighway. Glancing into the car, he was astounded to see that Wilbroda, who was driving, was knitting.
Realising that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the policeman wound down his window, turned on his loudspeaker and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO', Wilbroda yelled back, 'IT's A SCARF! Fulana iliisa jana'
4) Strange Stories from People Filling in Their Insurance Claims.
The following quotes show what people write on their car insurance claim forms. Apparently these are strange but true stories collected by assessors.
- To avoid a collision I rammed into the other car.
- A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
- I thought the side window was down but it was up, as I found when I put my head through it.
- If the other driver had stopped a few yards behind himself the accident would not have happened.
- She suddenly saw me, lost her head and we met.
- Cow wandered into my car. I was afterwards informed that the cow was half-witted.
- Three women were talking to each other and when two stepped back and one stepped forward I had to have an accident.
- There were plenty of lookers-on but no witnesses.
- A bull was standing near and a fly must have tickled him because he gored my car.
5) What To Do About Cars Speeding In rural towns?
The local county council could not afford a speed camera, so they put up a sign saying:
Slow down Animals Crossing. - It had no effect. At the next meeting the decided to play on the paternal instincts and put up a sign: Danger - Children at Play. The result was no discernable reduction in traffic speed.Then the chairman had a brain-wave and suggested they try a sign with: Strip Club Ahead. - As a result of the Strip Club notice, white toyotas and blue subarus crawl through the town.
6) Good Deal for Akothee
With a silent nod, the woman climbed into the car. Akothee tried in vain to make conversation with the woman.
The old woman looked closely at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a red gift bag on the seat next to Akothee.
'What's in the bag?' asked the old woman.
'It's a bottle of whisky that I got for my husband.'
7) What Women Can Do No Man Can Do
I was thinking of listing my favourite driving excuses, but I heard a case of facebook group where a chap boasted about getting away with something, only for the Police to read his post and arrest him. So I'll have to keep certain ideas in the pending tray. Well I cannot leave you in suspense. Here is my favourite driving excuse, names have been withheld to protect the guilty.
A lady drove the wrong way up a one way street and then parked on No Stopping sign. When she came out of the shop, there was a policeman, notebook in hand.' Do you realize what you have just done madam?' the policeman said, as reeled of enough offences to have her banned from driving.
'But you cannot book me officer', she said. The officer replied more intrigued than doubting his authority, 'and why not? 'Because', the lady said, 'my husband will beat me - AGAIN.'
I have to say quickly, that I know for a fact, that this lady's husband is the most mild mannered and loving man you could meet (and its not me). What I am searching for is the magic driving excuse but reversing the genders. I cannot in all sincerity say to a police officer, 'You cannot book because my wife will beat me', or even 'because my wife will nag me - again'. It just does not carry these same Veritas when the genders are reversed?
8) A True Alcobrow Story That Happened on Lang'ata Road
A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no - he only lives a mile away.
About five minutes from the party the NTSA pull him over for weaving all over the road, ask him to get out of the car and take the alcobrow test. Just as he is about to blow into the bag, the police radio informs the policemen of a robbery taking place in a house a short distance away.
The police tell the partygoer to remain where he is, they will be right back; and they run down the street to the robbery.
The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has 'Chikungunya' and has been in bed all day.
A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. X lives there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with 'flu and has been there all day. However, the police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car, and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door where they find the police car, lights still flashing.
9) Beating the Traffic
As retired banker Andrew Wanyama was driving his old car down the highway, his mobile phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Andrew, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the Mombasa Road. Please be careful!'
'Botheration, 'said Wanyama, 'Its not just one car. Its hundreds of them!'
10) Don't Mess With the Boss
Orie Rogo, an elderly lady, stopped to drive into a parking space when a young man in his brand new red BMW drove around her and parked in the space that she had been waiting for. Orie was so angered that she approached the young fellow and enquired, through gritted teeth, 'I was about to park there.'
The man looked at her with disdain and replied, 'That's what you can do when you're young and bright.'
This annoyed Orie even more, so she got back in her car, backed it up and then she stamped on the accelerator and rammed straight into his BMW.
The young man ran back to his car and shouted in a stunned voice, 'What did you do that for?'
Orie smiled at him and said, 'That's what you can do when you're old and rich.'
11) Letter To My Darling Husband
Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not to bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.
I was coming home from chama, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.
I am really sorry but I know with your kind hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweet heart. I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife.
12) Drivers till we die
A group of pensioners were discussing their medical problems at a local coffee joint.
'Do you realise,' said one, 'My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup.'
'Yes, I know.' replied the second, 'My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the coffee.'
'I can't turn my head,' rejoined the third, 'because of the arthritis in my neck.'
'My blood pressure pills make my dizzy,' commented the fourth, adding, 'I guess that's the price we pay for getting old.'
'Well, it's not all bad.' piped up the first, 'We should be thankful that we can still drive.'